A Christmas Missing Moment
by Padfoot-Moony-Pronglet
Summary: This is a slightly AU moment from OoTP during the Christmas break at Grimmauld Place. Merry Christmas! Please R&R. Disclaimer: I do not own anything.


Summary: This is a slightly AU moment from OoTP during the Christmas break at Grimmauld Place.

Remus' POV:

It was Christmas, and just after Arthur's attack. Everyone had returned from the hospital visit, and had had dinner, and gone to bed. I had gone upstairs to my room. The full moon was approaching – the next evening – and I was on edge. I couldn't sleep, and thus I found myself going back downstairs, to make myself tea.

When I arrived, I found Harry downstairs, too. I recalled of the past summer, once Harry ahd arrived at Grimmauld Place, that a few days later Sirius had come to me, telling me of very grim news. Harry had been abused by his relatives, and the only way Sirius had managed to get it out of Harry had been because he had confronted him about some fresh bruises he had seen. Of course, Sirius had explained that it hadn't been all that easy, but that eventually it had come out. I had been beyond furious, but gathered it was probably a good thing that I found out second-hand rather than from Harry.

But I put this out of my mind now, wondering what was on Harry's mind now.

"Harry," I called out gently, knowing that usually Harry wouldn't be aware of his surroundings, and thus be startled at this time of night.

Despite my attempt at calling out quietly, Harry still jumped.

"Oh, Remus, it's you," said Harry.

"Couldn't sleep?" At Harry's nod, I enquired, "Would you like a cup of tea?"

Again, Harry nodded. I made it quietly, and gave it to him. I waited until both of us had taken a couple of sips before restarting the conversation.

"So, how have you been sleeping?" I asked, curiously.

Harry shrugged. It seemed he wasn't in much of a mood to talk. Just as I was expecting that to be the only response, he answered, "Better."

I raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Then, why are you down here? Too much on your mind?"

Harry shrugged again, and then nodded. He raised his hand to take another sip of his tea, and suddenly his hand was at a perfect angle with the lighting of the room. I caught some words etched into his hand, his hand that looked like it had been rubbed red raw.

"Harry," I said sharply.

Harry looked up curiously at my tone, a question in his eyes.

"What's that on your hand?"

Harry looked down for a second in surprise before realisation hit, and he tried to subtly hide it away, to no avail.

"It's nothing, don't worry about it, Remus." Harry responded hurriedly.

"Harry, show me," my tone allowing no argument. Of course, Harry didn't take to that very well. It hadn't been the best way to get something out of Harry, but the full moon was having its affect on me, making me more tempered than usual.

"No, I told you, it's nothing!" Harry exclaimed.

I tried to calm down, but I was unsuccessful as I snarled out, "Harry, now!"

Harry's temper was also beginning to show at my demands. "Would you drop it?" Harry got up from the table, and turned to the kitchen wall, starting to go through some of the cupboards, drawers and such. It was obvious he was trying to find a distraction, and look busy.

I was sick of the evading techniques, and my anger got a hold of me. I stood up, and went over to Harry, grabbing his right hand as I did so. I glanced at it, and then did a double take at the words that were _carved_ into his _skin_.

"Harry," I growled out, "_who_ did this?"

Harry tried to wrench his hand away from my grasp, but as it was near the full moon my hold was almost unbreakable by human standards.

"Let go!" Harry snapped.

"Answer the question!"

"It was nothing! It's none of your business – I can handle it!"

I had had enough of the empty responses, and being so close to the full moon only increased my rage. I unthinkingly grabbed Harry by the upper arms, and shook him, as I barked out, "Harry! _Who did this?_" Unknown to me, I was sounding more and more like the werewolf I turned into once a month, especially as my eyes kept flashing from gold to brown.

Harry had begun shaking in fear, but I didn't notice in my rage, and assumed it was anger.

Harry stuttered out, "I-it w-was n-no-one."

My grip tightened at the lack of response, and just as I was about to shake him some more, Sirius came in, saw what I was doing and rushed over, trying to free Harry, but unable to due to the wolf's strength being on my side.

"What are – Remus! What are you do – is that _Harry?_" Sirius started out asking tiredly to yelling in shock and anger. "Let go of him!"

I wouldn't relent my grip, needing to know who had done that to my cub – who had _engraved_ words into his hand. "Harry, tell me!"

But Sirius wouldn't be ignored. "Remus Lupin! Let _go_ of Harry! You're _hurting_ him! Look at him!"

For a moment, I just stopped, and then I saw what was happening without a rage induced mist clouding my eyes, and was horrified. I let go of Harry abruptly and walked backwards in horror. I couldn't take my eyes off of Harry's trembling form. I couldn't stomach what I had just done, and ran out of the room, headed for my own. I locked the door, and just sat down.

What had I been _thinking_? I knew Harry was fragile when it came to physical touching, but I had gone ahead and just grabbed him, shaken him, and yelled at him. I _knew_ he hated shouting because it reminded him of all of the Dursley's. But I had done so anyway. I was slowly grasping that there was a high chance I had probably erased all the progress Sirius and I had managed in the summer and even the last couple of days since Harry had arrived for Christmas. Just because it was close to the full moon did _not_ mean I could just let out my emotions on whoever just happened to be there. I was angry at whoever had done _that_ to Harry, but now, I realised that all of that pent up fury – even for the Dursley's – I had just released on the victim of all of these abuses – _I_ had done what the Dursley's had done. I hadn't listened to him, I hadn't been patient, I had taken my anger out on him.

As I continued to drown myself in my self-disgust while immersed in my own thoughts, I didn't hear Sirius come in by himself. I _did_ notice when there was slight dip in the bed, from where Sirius was sitting. I looked up, startled to see that I wasn't by myself any longer, but then lowered my head again, knowing that anger and disgust would be within those grey eyes.

I stayed silent, knowing that he needed to rant.

"What the _hell_ did you think you were doing?" he asked, anger lacing his voice.

I remained silent.

"You _know_ how much Harry is scared of anything that reminds him of what the Dursley's inflicted on him, and you go ahead and just _break_ all of the trust he had had in _both _of us. What the hell did he do for you to do that? He had _bruises_ for Merlin's sake!"

I flinched when he snapped bluntly at what I had done, despite it being an echo of what I had thought. I had given him _bruises?_ I knew how unfair it was to Sirius that Harry would be even more hesitant to trust either of us, despite Sirius not having done anything. He would think that if one of us could act like that, then why not the both of us – I probably had crumbled any growing trust he had had in _any_ adults.

I quietly explained what had happened, guessing that Harry might have been too shaken by my actions to have been able to explain everything. "I went down stairs because I couldn't sleep, and found Harry there, too. I made us both tea, and then we made some small talk. Then, Harry was taking a sip of his tea, and I saw something on his right hand. I asked him to show me what it was. He didn't, he said it was nothing. So I told him to show me, but he wouldn't. After a couple of his denials, he got up and just went through some of the kitchen cupboards. I was sick of the evasive techniques so I grabbed his hand to see for myself. There were words etched into his skin – _I must not tell lies_."

I paused for a moment, as Sirius had gasped in shock, but then continued in an almost whisper. I was ashamed of how I acted, but Sirius wouldn't rest until he had taken every word from me. "I asked him who did it, and he wouldn't answer. I asked him again and again, and he would just say it was nothing, that it wasn't something I needed to know. I grew even angrier, and grabbed him by the arms, and started sh-shaking him." My voice had broken towards the end, knowing the significance of my actions.

Sirius stayed quiet for a moment, letting everything he had heard sink in. I waited for the eruption. "I can understand why you were angry – hell, I can barely control mine. But you shouldn't have shaken him like that! You know how he is about things like that – he's only begun to trust us!"

I shook my head, but then looked into his eyes, knowing that he wouldn't be forgiving me anytime soon. "I know. And I know that what I did was my fault, that I had no right to do any of that. Don't worry, I won't step in again, like that."

I would only watch from afar, protect him as much as possible from afar. I didn't want to risk doing anything like that again. Even if Harry forgave me, it wouldn't matter, because I had _hurt_ him, and that was never something I was willing to risk.

After being bitten, and realising what it meant, I had always been fearful I would hurt someone. When I turned once a month I would hurt myself, since there was no-one else to hurt, but I was always thankful to wake up realising I hadn't hurt anyone else. When James, Sirius and Peter had become Animagus' there were several times that they would get hurt, but it was minor injuries. Yet I still felt guilt for causing them. James and Sirius had realised and confronted me, telling me they weren't my fault. The guilt had relinquished its hold but had remained slightly. Now, though, I had hurt someone, and it hadn't even been in my wolf form. It had been partially the reason behind it, but I would never be able to say that it was one hundred percent the wolf, and not me.

Sirius still looked angry, but he had a confused expression on his face. "What do you mean?"

I sighed. "I mean, I'll stay away from Harry. I'll protect him and everything, but I won't get close to him again."

After Harry's third year, I had been _so_ frightened, finding out that I hadn't take Wolfsbane in front of Harry and his friends. I could have bitten them, I could have killed them. Afterwards, when Harry came to see me off, I realised he didn't hold it against me, but I couldn't get the image of Harry lying bloodied and dead on the floor out of my head.

And so, when I left, I didn't contact Harry at all. I had dearly wanted to, of course, but I had been so intensely afraid that something of that sort would happen again, that I had not done so. It had been my worst fears come to life.

I had always feared that I would break free of my constraints (during Hogwarts years, prior and even afterwards) and that I would hurt an innocent, condemn them either to a cursed, pained, life that I lived, one in which they were discriminated against, or I would kill them.

When I had begun teaching at Hogwarts, that worry abated slightly because of the Wolfsbane potion, and the knowledge that, even if I would somehow manage to forget to take the potion, Severus Snape would remember, and practically force it down my throat, if need be. I knew that he had an intense fear of werewolves after seeing me, and almost being murderer by me during our school years. He would do anything he could to ensure something of that sort would not occur again, and thus he had consented to brewing it for me, once he realised I would be teaching. He had argued a lot, but in the end, he had been forced to give in, as Dumbledore had been persistent.

Sirius' loud exclamation brought me out of my thoughts. "You WHAT? You think that staying away from Harry is the best way of trying to regain his trust?"

"No. I don't. But I don't want to hurt him. I know I did. I've always been scared of hurting someone, and now I did it in an entirely different away. He's not going to _want_ to be around me – " I saw the protest coming from Sirius' mouth, and cut him off, "No, I know he won't, at least at first. He may change his mind later, but the fact is, I did hurt him when I thought I never would, at least in the way his uncle did. But I did. I'm not letting myself be put in a position where I may do it again."

Sirius' mouth opened and shut several times, and then he said, "You should at least talk to Harry. Before he over-thinks everything." Then Sirius exited the room.

I considered what Sirius had told me, but I could barely think about facing Harry after how I had treated him. I knew he would be scared of me, would mistrust me, and I was scared to see that.

But then, after a few days of mostly staying up in my room, once the full moon had passed, Sirius confronted me. "Okay, I understand that you may have needed some time to think and all, but this is getting ridiculous. You can't avoid everyone for fear of seeing Harry. Believe me, I know what it's like to want to avoid Harry for fear of him being scared of you, but it'll be easier if you get it over with."

I stared at him, and then asked, "Why would you want him near me after what I did?"

He looked at me for a moment, and then said, "I know you will never do that again. I also know that it wasn't entirely your fault, that the wolf's anger had a lot to do with it."

"That doesn't excuse it!"

"I know it doesn't, but I know, that after this, you wouldn't ever do anything to hurt Harry again."

"How? How can you trust me like that?" I said, my uncertainty showing.

"Because I know you. Go talk to Harry. This doesn't mean I forgive you – it'll take time, but I'm willing to try."

"Thanks."

It took me about fifteen minutes to conjure enough courage to go face Harry, and most of that time was spent trying to eliminate thoughts of his reaction out of my head.

He was in the library with Hermione – I could hear Ron downstairs with his sister. I went over to them, and then asked hesitantly, "H-Harry, can I please speak to you?"

Harry looked me over, with a hint of fear in his eyes, but then followed me outside.

I turned around to face him, ensuring that there was a safe distance between us, for his comfort – and my own. "If it makes you feel better, I can ask Sirius to be in on this conversation while we have it," I offered.

It hurt when he nodded his head, but I knew that it would take time for him to trust me like he had before.

I sent a quick Patronus to Sirius to head to Harry's bedroom now. I lead Harry there, and then sat on Ron's bed.

Sirius came up in a few moments, and when he did, only then did Harry relax enough to sit on his own bed. I locked the door, preventing anyone from interrupting us.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I know that's not enough to excuse what I did, how I acted and treated you, but it's all I can offer you." I started. "I'm not trying to excuse what I did, but I think it only right for you to understand that the full moon had been only a day away, and the wolf influences my moods. But that doesn't mean much. I still should've controlled my emotions better. My treatment of you was unforgiveable."

Harry looked over at me, before glancing over to Sirius for advice. He shrugged, and I think he knew that Harry would have to decide this for himself.

"The way I went about that, asking you, was wrong. I know I should have been patient, shouldn't have grabbed you, shaken you, _hurt _you. I promised you I wouldn't and I broke that. I'm so sorry." I said, sincerely.

Sirius stepped in for a moment. "Harry, despite the way Remus went about it, we are still continuing that conversation, this time with me present. It's up to you whether Remus is also present."

Harry cast a pleading glance at Sirius, then turned back to me. He opened his mouth, about to say something, but then closed it again. He opened it again, with a determined glint in his eye, and said, "I-I don't know if I can trust you after that – you reminded me of Uncle Vernon. But I know that you wouldn't do that normally – right? You wouldn't, would you?"

It hurt to hear from Harry himself that he didn't trust me and I inwardly winced at how Harry was uncertain about something he had previously trusted me with before. "I wouldn't. I swear to you, I wouldn't."

Harry nodded slowly.

"I'll stay away from you now. I won't take chances with you again." I said, but looked away. I didn't want him to see the pain in my eyes. If he saw it, I feared he would argue so that _I_ wasn't hurt. But this was what was best for _him_.

"What? No! I still want you around me … it's just going to take some time – that's alright, isn't it?" Harry said.

"You would still allow me to be around you? After what I did?" I was astounded. I hadn't expected Harry would want me around, or at least, straight after.

"Of course I would. I know I pushed you, too. I should've known not giving you what you asked for …" He trailed off, apparently too self-conscious about what he was about to say to finish it.

"No! Regardless of you not answering me, I shouldn't have done that. It wasn't your fault!" I exclaimed, I couldn't stand the thought of Harry thinking he could have prevented that, as if it had been _his_ fault.

Sirius decided to come into the conversation then. "Harry, Remus is right. It wasn't your fault. He shouldn't have done that, no matter what you said."

Harry nodded his head in acceptance but it was obvious it would take time before Harry would come to believe it.

For now, though, Harry was distrusting of me, and Sirius was still angry with me, despite our conversation.

The next day, apparently Harry had told Sirius that he wanted both of us present for the conversation regarding his hand injury, when Sirius had pestered him about it.

Sirius started the conversation, calmly.

"Okay, Harry. We know you didn't have those … _marks_ before you left for Hogwarts, at the end of the summer. So you must have gotten them between then and now. How did you get it?"

Harry remained silent.

"Harry," said Sirius, warningly.

Harry suddenly had a fearful look on his face, but then said, "If I tell you, you have to promise you won't tell anyone."

Sirius' eyebrows rose at this. As he was about to open his mouth, possibly about to promise exactly this, I interrupted, "Harry, we can't promise that. We'll consider your wishes, but we may not have much choice."

Sirius looked at me for a moment, a hint of anger in his eyes, before he looked away in defeat, knowing that my silent point was right.

Harry sighed. "Fine."

"Harry, please. We are trying to help you – no one has the right to mutilate your flesh," said Sirius, trying to get through to Harry.

"Okay, okay. It was during detention."

We waited, expecting Harry to continue, but he remained silent.

"With who, Harry?" asked Sirius, his voice strained.

If it was a teacher, then Harry was already distrusting of adults even more than after the summer. Now, it was no wonder he was so distrusting of Sirius, regardless of the fact that _I_ was the one that committed the act. Harry had explained that he didn't like depending on any adults, and Sirius and I had assumed that was because of the Dursley's – but occasionally, we received hints that it was also because of teachers. After all, Moody had turned out to be a fake, a Death Eater instead, Lockhart was a fraud, from what we had gathered from Harry and Ron, and there had been something with Quirrell. But I had also acknowledged that harry was distrusting of all his teachers. I guessed it had something to do with his childhood, but sometimes I wasn't so sure. I knew that Harry had been distrusting of me, too, but I had put it down to because of the lack of appropriate Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers. I had explained this to Sirius, too.

"Umbridge," Harry mumbled under his breath, so quietly that Sirius didn't catch on – but I did.

"Who?"

"Umbridge," I growled, but made a successful attempt to control my anger. I turned to Harry. "What did she make you do in detention? Did _she_ do this to you?"

"No! Well, yes, in a way. She gave me a quill and told me to write 'I must not tell lies'. But the quill used no ink but my blood, and suddenly I saw it engraved in my writing hand."

I had already hated her for what she had said about half-breeds and all, but now hearing this it made me all the more furious.

"She used a BLOOD-QUILL?" I shouted.

Sirius was glaring at me, and suddenly I realised what had happened.

"Oh, Harry – I'm sorry, I wasn't angry with you – just with her, with what she did!"

Harry was trembling like a leaf that had too many droplets of water and couldn't hold all of them. Sirius went over to him, and hugged him to himself. He whispered quietly, reassuringly to Harry, who calmed down and looked up at me.

I felt an intense self-loathing at the look Harry gave me – again, it was of fright. I swore to myself that I would watch what I said, _how_ I said it, how I acted.

Harry saw the look, and said, "I'm sorry, Remus – I know you weren't angry with me." The silent words lingered in the air – _I was scared of you taking your anger out on me, though._

Sirius and I then took measures to secure Harry's safety, and remove Umbridge.

It had taken several days after that conversation for Harry to remain in the same room as me without leaving if no-one else was there. It seemed he didn't mind if another was present, but if we were by ourselves I think it brought back memories of what I had done. I think he thought that I wouldn't hurt him as long as others were there, but that I would if we were by ourselves. The thought of Harry still thinking I was able to intentionally hurt him sent a wave of pain through me, especially since I always felt guilt and remorse course through me whenever I saw Harry's expression when he saw me. Fear would flash in his eyes before he would cover it up, but I always managed to catch it.

Sirius, on the other hand, remained angry for quite awhile, especially whenever Harry showed any distrust towards him. I understood him, as he had nothing to do with it, but it crushed any of the trust he had built with Sirius too, as Harry had shown that he felt fear that Sirius would also, when extremely angry, take it out on Harry, too. Like I had done. On these occasions, Sirius would refuse to talk to me until he calmed down.

Before Harry went back to Hogwarts, Harry and I had managed to get along reasonably well, have regular conversations and such. There were moments when Harry's insecurities shone through his actions or words, but we always managed to tackle them down. Before Harry left, most of his fear had been toned down.

It took several conversations with Sirius after Harry had left, for him to stop being angry with me. I also suspected of Harry asking Sirius to not remain angry with me. When I heard that, I felt a wave of loathing for myself – even after all that, Harry still cared for me.

Eventually, though, all three of us were able to talk freely. My guilt always remained, but was toned down.

I had sworn not only to Lily, James and Sirius, but myself that I would look after Harry – and that included protection from myself, if need be. And I would keep that promise from now on. Harry had nothing to fear from me – as long as the wolf remained far away from Harry – which he _would_.

**A/N:** Please R&R. Have a Merry Christmas!


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